Being Tired

I've always regarded being tired as weakness.  This stems back to being a kid on Jones Point soccer field.  If I couldn't sustain 150% at all times, I saw myself as a failure. 

After my soccer career ended and I moved on to running and Triathlon, it was a story the same. 50 hours of work and 30 hours of training.  

When I could no longer race and train because I was so ill, so it was so easy to throw that energy in to my career. Working around the clock, process mapping my living room wall. I didn't stop and I was successful. I felt like I was beating myself... racing against time.

I was unwilling to admit that being tired was simply a normal reaction that comes with IV antibiotics, Cystic Fibrosis, Pancreatitis, Hypogammaglobulinemia, parenting, spousing, and life.  

Little did I truly realize all those years was that I was hurting myself.  I thought I was unwilling to feel tired because it made me weak.  I was unable to stop because I was afraid to feel. 

I've had to slow down. Multiple health conditions have MADE me slow down.  There are days I sleep 20 hours.  I need fluids to get up. My successes these days are showering, getting out of bed and picking Alejandro from school. My successes then were 70 mile running weeks and high bonuses. 

My life has changed dramatically.  I have changed dramatically and I am on the search for peace and joy from within.