Being Tired

I've always regarded being tired as weakness.  This stems back to being a kid on Jones Point soccer field.  If I couldn't sustain 150% at all times, I saw myself as a failure. 

After my soccer career ended and I moved on to running and Triathlon, it was a story the same. 50 hours of work and 30 hours of training.  

When I could no longer race and train because I was so ill, so it was so easy to throw that energy in to my career. Working around the clock, process mapping my living room wall. I didn't stop and I was successful. I felt like I was beating myself... racing against time.

I was unwilling to admit that being tired was simply a normal reaction that comes with IV antibiotics, Cystic Fibrosis, Pancreatitis, Hypogammaglobulinemia, parenting, spousing, and life.  

Little did I truly realize all those years was that I was hurting myself.  I thought I was unwilling to feel tired because it made me weak.  I was unable to stop because I was afraid to feel. 

I've had to slow down. Multiple health conditions have MADE me slow down.  There are days I sleep 20 hours.  I need fluids to get up. My successes these days are showering, getting out of bed and picking Alejandro from school. My successes then were 70 mile running weeks and high bonuses. 

My life has changed dramatically.  I have changed dramatically and I am on the search for peace and joy from within.

being present

I'm not great at being present. I'm either angry or sad about the past or worried about the future or inside my body that is wrecked with pain.There are moments here and there when I am surrounded by my family that I am in the moment, whisked away by my son's giggly laughter, or my partner's deep brown eyes.  I am the most present when I am near the sea. The ebbing and flowing of the tide partnered with waves crashing lulls me to the now. It's the only time I don't have to think about it.

I have had doctors, therapists, even surgeons suggest meditation or yoga to help relieve my body of the stress it holds. I've shaken them off and even tried yoga, but as a former competitive athlete, I was bound by my own limits and competing for better poses with those around me in the class who most certainly were not competing back.  That was years ago.

My lung was punctured two months ago during a routing procedure and I've been sidelined since, full of worry and sickness... full of yesteryear and tomorrow year( if that's a word).

I decided to give yoga a try again, with the commitment to self that I would be in the present.  I am on week one day four and I am finding tremendous peace. I am not present for every moment in every class, but I am present for some moments and the need to be present for my body makes it a bit easier to be present for my mind.  We'll see how it goes, but so far I'm finding peace in the postures.

Namaste.

Being Brave

It's not as easy as it looks, or seems, or is. Each morning upon waking, I MUST make a decision to proceed throughout my day with bravery. That means to conduct myself with a spirit of valor. WOW. That is one hell of an expectation I have already put on myself before my eyes have half awakened.

I'm chronically ill. I have Cystic Fibrosis, with a side of chronic pancreatitis topped off by a faulty immune system.  You guessed it... I'm pretty tired.

I used to do a lot of things... an elite runner, triathlete, need little sleep.. you get the picture.

Now I walk every day, even if I can't. I sleep a whole lot more than I ever did. I've probably slept my entire life in hours by now.  I am a step parent to an amazing 9 year old and I have a partner of 7 years and 2 silly little furry babies. 

My life is amazing. I wake up breathing. I have a heart that feels so deeply. 

Cheers to the beginning of opening up this writing chapter.